Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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