Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
