if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
