if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
