My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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