I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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