Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
cat food counts as protein by the way
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
