i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
