My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
