I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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