There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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