you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
