Are we in a gay sports bar?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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