My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
third nipple confirmed
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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