Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
