everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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