PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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