i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
