he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
