I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
