I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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