Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
