omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
