I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
