did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
