Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
