Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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