I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
