I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
