the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
