Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
