i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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