K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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