I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
