Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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