Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
