remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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