I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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