i would punch a child for taco bell
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Im part way to drunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
