out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
