im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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