she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
