one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
