OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I had to cum in my sink.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
