This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
