wanna go halves on a baby?
from now on my penis is your penis
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
