Define "chronic" masturbator.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
