If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
