ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
