Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
