my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
